Alex, The Postmodernist

by MARK LEYNER

JENNY JONES: Boy, we have a show for you today!  Recently, the  University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning declaration  that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism means.  "It would be  nice to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't exactly an idea; it's a word that  pretends to stand for an idea."  This shocking admission that there is  no such thing as postmodernism has produced a firestorm of protest around  the country. Thousands of authors, critics and graduate students who'd  considered themselves postmodernists are outraged at the betrayal.  Today we have with us a writer-a recovering postmodernist-who believes  that his literary career and personal life have been irreparably  damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded by the academics who  promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll call him "Alex." 

JENNY JONES TO ALEX: Alex, as an adolescent, before you began  experimenting with postmodernism, you considered yourself-what? 

[Close shot of ALEX.  An electronic blob obscures his face. Words  appear at bottom of screen: "Says he was traumatized by postmodernism  and blames academics."] 

ALEX (his voice electronically altered): A high modernist. Y'know,  Pound, Eliot, Georges Braque, Wallace Stevens, Arnold Schoenberg, Mies  van der Rohe. I had all of Schoenberg's 78's. 

JENNY JONES: And then you started reading people like Jean-Francois  Lyotard and Jean Baudrillard-how did that change your feelings about your  modernist heroes? 

ALEX: I suddenly felt that they were, like, stifling and canonical. 

JENNY JONES:  That is so sad, such a waste. How old were you when you  first read Fredric Jameson? 

ALEX: Nine, I think. 

[The AUDIENCE gasps.] 

JENNY JONES: We have some pictures of young Alex. ...[We see snapshots  of 14-year-old ALEX reading Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari's  "Anti-Oedipus: Capitalism and Schizophrenia." The AUDIENCE oohs and ahs.] 

ALEX: We used to go to a friend's house after school-y'know, his  parents were never home-and we'd read, like, Paul Virilio and Julia Kristeva. 

JENNY JONES: So you're only 14, and you're already skeptical toward the  "grand narratives" of modernity, you're questioning any belief system  that claims universality or transcendence. Why? 

ALEX: I guess-to be cool. 

JENNY JONES: So, peer pressure? 

ALEX: I guess. 

JENNY JONES: And do you remember how you felt the very first time you  entertained the notion that you and your universe are constituted by  language-that reality is a cultural construct, a "text" whose meaning  is determined by infinite associations with other "texts"? 

ALEX: Uh, it felt, like, good. I wanted to do it again. 

[The AUDIENCE groans.] 

JENNY JONES: You were arrested at about this time? 

ALEX: For spray-painting "The Hermeneutics of Indeterminacy" on an  overpass. 

JENNY JONES: You're the child of a mixed marriage-right? 

ALEX: My father was a de Stijl Wittgensteinian and my mom was a  neo-pre-Raphaelite. 

JENNY JONES: Do you think that growing up in a mixed marriage made you  more vulnerable to postmodernism? 

ALEX: Absolutely. It's hard when you're a little kid not to be able to  just come right out and say (sniffles), y'know, I'm an Imagist or I'm a  phenomenologist or I'm a post-painterly abstractionist. It's really  hard-especially around the holidays. (He cries.) 

JENNY JONES: I hear you. Was your wife a postmodernist? 

ALEX: Yes. She was raised avant-pop, which is a fundamentalist offshoot  of postmodernism. 

JENNY JONES: How did she react to Rorty's admission that postmodernism  was essentially a hoax? 

ALEX: She was devastated. I mean, she's got all the John Zorn albums  and the entire Semiotext(e) series. She was crushed. 

[We see ALEX'S WIFE in the audience, weeping softly, her hands covering  her face.] 

JENNY JONES: And you were raising your daughter as a postmodernist? 

ALEX: Of course. That's what makes this particularly tragic.  I mean,  how do you explain to a 5-year-old that self-consciously recycling cultural  detritus is suddenly no longer a valid art form? 

JENNY JONES: Tell us how you think postmodernism affected your career  as a novelist. 

ALEX: I disavowed writing that contained real ideas or any real  passion. My work became disjunctive, facetious and nihilistic.  It was all  metastatic irony, a pernicious banality palimpsest of media pastiche.  I found myself indiscriminately incorporating any and all kinds of pop  kitsch and shlock. (He begins to weep again.) 

JENNY JONES: And this spilled over into your personal life? 

ALEX: It was impossible for me to experience life with any emotional  intensity. I couldn't control the irony anymore. I perceived my own  feelings as if they were in quotes. I italicized everything and  everyone.  It became impossible for me to appraise the quality of  anything. To me everything was equivalent-the Brandenburg Concertos and  the Lysol jingle had the same value.... (He breaks down, sobbing.) 

JENNY JONES: Now, you're involved in a lawsuit, aren't you? 

ALEX: Yes. I'm suing the Modern Language Association. 

JENNY JONES: How confident are you about winning? 

ALEX: We need to prove that, while they were actively propounding it,  academics knew all along that postmodernism was a specious theory. If  we can unearth some intradepartmental memos-y'know, a paper trail-any  corroboration that they knew postmodernism was worthless cant at the  same time they were teaching it, then I think we have an excellent  shot. 

JENNY JONES wades into audience and proffers microphone to a woman. 

WOMAN (with lateral head-bobbing): It's ironic that Barry Scheck is  representing the M.L.A. in this litigation because Scheck is the  postmodern attorney par excellence. This is the guy who's made a  career of volatilizing truth in the simulacrum of exculpation! 

VOICE FROM AUDIENCE: You go, girl! 

WOMAN: Scheck is the guy who came up with the quintessentially  postmodern re-bleed defense for O.J., which claims that O.J. merely  vigorously shook Ron and Nicole, thereby re-aggravating pre-existing  knife wounds.  I'd just like to say to any client of Barry-lose that  zero and get a hero! 

The AUDIENCE cheers wildly. 

[Dissolve to message on screen:  If you believe that mathematician  Andrew Wiles's proof of Fermat's last theorem has caused you or a member of  your family to dress too provocatively, call (800) 555-9455.] 

[Dissolve back to studio. In the audience, JENNY JONES extends the microphone to a man in his mid-30's with a scruffy beard and a bandana around his head.]

MAN WITH BANDANA: I'd like to say that this "Alex" is the single worst example of pointless irony in American literature, and this whole heartfelt renunciation of postmodernism is a ploy -- it's just more irony.

[The AUDIENCE whistles and hoots.]

ALEX: You think this is a ploy?! [He tears futilely at the electronic blob.] This is my face!

The AUDIENCE recoils in horror.

ALEX: This is what can happen to people who naively embrace postmodernism, to people who believe that the individual -- the autonomous, individualist subject -- is dead. They become a palimpsest of media pastiche -- a mask of metastatic irony.

JENNY JONES (biting lip and shaking her head): That is so sad. Alex -- final words?

ALEX: I'd just like to say that self-consciousness and irony seem like fun at first, but they can destroy your life. I know. You gotta be earnest, be real. Real feelings are important. Objective reality does exist.

[AUDIENCE members whoop, stomp, and pump fists in the air.]

JENNY JONES: I'd like to thank Alex for having the courage to come on today and share his experience with us.

Join us for tomorrow's show, "The End of Manichean, Bipolar Geopolitics Turned My Boyfriend Into an Insatiable Sex Freak (and I Love It!)."