Jerry Springer

SPRINGER: Boy, we have a show for you today! Recently, the University of Virginia philosopher Richard Rorty made the stunning declaration that nobody has "the foggiest idea" what postmodernism means. "It would be nice to get rid of it," he said. "It isn't exactly an idea; it's a word that pretends to stand for an idea." This shocking admission that there is no such thing as postmodernism has produced a firestorm of protest around the country. Thousands of authors, critics and graduate students who'd considered themselves postmodernists are outraged at the betrayal. Today we have with us a writer-a recovering postmodernist-who believes that his literary career and personal life have been irreparably damaged by the theory, and who feels defrauded by the academics who promulgated it. He wishes to remain anonymous, so we'll call him "Alex."

SPRINGER TO ALEX: Alex, as an adolescent, before you began experimenting with postmodernism, you considered yourself-what?

ALEX (his voice electronically altered): Enough with the questions you modernist, capitalist, opportunist pig. [Grab's chair throws it at Jerry]

[Springer's goons lunge at the young angst-in-chair. The crowd goes wild. Springer deflects the chair with his nose and goes down in a heap. Alex's postmodern friends in the audience start kicking and beating Springer with their copies of Feyerabend's Against Method They chant in unison "Down with modernity ... structuralism will fall." Alex freeing himself from the grasp of Springer's hired necks fires off a battle cry to all viewing postmodernists before the show is pulled off air--"We must unite and storm Virginia. We must show Rorty the power that is postmodernity!"]

[45 minutes of darkness]